Rebuilding confidence after bullying

Bullying can leave deep emotional wounds long after the behaviour stops. While some people recover quickly, others struggle for years. The key difference often lies in one thing – holding on to resentment. In this article, Stephen Tolfree explores why letting go can be a powerful way to rebuild confidence, strength and trust after bullying.

Nearly 20% of lawyers were bullied in the last year (Life in the Law 2025). Some lawyers recover quickly after the conflict is over, others remain damaged for years, impairing their mental health and productivity at work. The reason is simple: holding onto resentment keeps people from healing. The surprising solution: to let go of resentment and then watch your strength and confidence naturally return. 

Resentment is a very common human response to mistreatment and unfairness. We stay resentful in the hope that by doing so justice will one day be served. 

But to stay resentful we need to stay angry, and to stay angry we need to stay in pain. And to stay in pain we artificially interrupt the body’s natural healing process. We effectively keep our finger prodded in the emotional wound to prevent it from healing. This means that if we stay resentful, the things that got wounded by bullying – trust, confidence and positivity – are all very slow to recover.

The surprising way to recover is therefore to let go of resentment, also known as forgiveness. Not only does this recover our damaged qualities of trust, confidence and positivity, but we also regain inner peace by stopping ourselves from going over the mistreatment in our head.

If letting go of resentment is so compelling, why is it not talked about more? This is because there are many misconceptions about forgiveness. 

Forgiveness is frequently associated with religion. A common religious explanation is that because God has forgiven me, I should in turn forgive the people who harm me. This paints forgiveness as a gift for the person who bullied me. But why would I want to give a gift to someone who has harmed me? 

This creates confusion about who gains from letting go of resentment. Most bullies are unaware of your resentment, so they will also be unaware if you let go of your resentment, meaning there is only a minimal gift to them. If I forgive my bully, I will regain my strength as my trust, confidence and positivity all recover – a really big gift to myself. This means that rather than forgiveness being a gift to the bully it is by far and away a gift to ourselves.

Another misconception is that forgiving is weak, that it is accepting being a victim. But the reality is the opposite. Forgiving leaves our victim identity in the past. It enables our emotional wound to heal, recovering our trust, confidence and positivity. This makes us stronger, not weaker. However, if we are in an ongoing relationship of abuse that we keep forgiving and the abusive behaviour continues, then this is toxic. Forgiveness needs to be combined with healthy boundaries.

There is an argument that letting go of resentment means you are condoning the bullying. Forgiveness is only needed where there has been a gross injustice. Forgiveness requires first an acknowledgement that something seriously wrong has happened, and only secondly do we then make the personal positive choice to forgive.

Some lawyers insist that they will only let go of resentment if there is an apology. An apology definitely makes it easier to forgive. But to make it a requirement of forgiveness is to make your future wellbeing dependent on the action of someone who has demonstrated that they have little respect for your needs. Forgiveness is an internal act and can be done irrespective of whether the bully takes responsibility for their actions.

These misconceptions around forgiveness mean that very few therapists are trained in it. And whilst religion is good at promoting forgiveness, it doesn’t have tools that non-believers can use to forgive. 

There are three methods I have found that help people forgive.

1. One is to work through a set of exercises using a workbook (search “discover forgiveness reach workbook”).
2. Another is to have a daily practice of speaking out your desire to forgive. Over time this can result in a change of heart. 
3. And the third is to do a forgiveness exercise, supported by a coach. My forgiveness ritual helps people let go of resentment in just one session. There is something powerful about going through a process of letting go whilst being witnessed by a companion. My ritual is so effective that it is being studied by two universities. 

To be inspired by stories of profound forgiveness, go to The forgiveness project website.

When we’re being bullied, we are objectively a victim. But if we stay resentful, we stay in a victim mindset. Letting go of resentment leaves this disempowering identity behind. It restores our confidence and strength and trust and optimism and brings us back to full performance in life and work.