Not without my brother
“When Tony was killed, I grieved his loss deeply… To my greatest surprise clients offered their support. Bates Wells understood that I needed time and space to come to terms with my loss. The door was left open for me to return to deliver my services when I was ready.”
By Tesse Akpeki FCG: non-practicing solicitor, podcaster, mediator and coach who heads Bates Wells London LLP Onboard Governance Development Programme.
![Pexels Pixabay 80461](/media/ie0dcxj5/pexels-pixabay-80461.jpg?anchor=center&mode=crop&width=960&format=webp&quality=80&rnd=133638918303530000)
In a tragic event just before Christmas, Tesse Akpeki's brother Tony was killed in a hit-and-run incident.
This devastating loss threw Tesse into a whirlwind of grief and legal procedures involving coroners, hospitals, and the police. Despite the immense personal tragedy, Tesse received invaluable support from friends, clients, and and Bates Wells where she heads the Onboard Governance Development Service. Their empathy and flexibility highlighted the importance of supportive networks and self-care during times of profound trauma and loss.
Equally indispensable was getting compassionate and competent bereavement and trauma informed support from Brent Bereavement, Bereavement Care, Brent Talking Therapies and Harrow Bereavement Care.
Tony
I was getting ready for Christmas. On 17 December, exactly a week before Christmas eve, the ITV News reported that a 59-year-old man had been killed in a hit and run incident in Dover. He had died at the scene. Little did I know that the man in question was my beloved brother Tony who was working as a key worker for the NHS delivering Covid kits and collecting Covid samples. He had just collected the samples and was walking towards his car when the drug addicted driver hit him. She failed to stop.
My life had been changed forever. Happy, bubbly, helpful, hardworking Tony was no more. He was more than a brother. He was my friend, my business manager, my mentor and my coach. In the blink of an eye everything had changed.
![Tony Loved Making A Difference To Others](/media/vwyndwe5/tony-loved-making-a-difference-to-others.png?anchor=center&mode=crop&width=1200&format=webp&quality=80&heightratio=1&rnd=133639774687670000)
What followed were stressful interactions with the coroner’s office, the Kent Hospital, and the Kent Police. The family instructed Law firm Hickman & Rose to guide them through the legalities that developed. My MP got involved as things became even more challenging. Eventually the matter went to the Crown Court in Canterbury. The driver was sentenced to four years in prison for dangerous driving.
As you can imagine this had a serious impact on my mental and emotional state. I am the owner of a leadership development business set up in 2005. The boutique services were offered to a range of clients, including Bates Wells, a medium-sized law firm in the City of London. I headed the Governance Development Service at the firm. At the time, I easily worked 70 to 80 hours a week.
When Tony was killed, I grieved his loss deeply. Life seemed empty. A light had gone out of my life. While I continued to offer my services, I scaled back.
“To my greatest surprise clients offered their support”
Bates Wells was compassionate and supportive, checking in occasionally to see how I was faring. The firm understood that I needed time and space to come to terms with my loss. The door was left open for me to return to deliver my services when I was ready. This reassurance was helpful on my grief journey.
The complex grief I suffered deepened after the court case came to an end. I had to seek specialist help and advice. Luckily for me, I got excellent trauma, befriending and bereavement counselling from a range of providers.
I reached out to LawCare because the support the charity offers to legal professionals is invaluable. It is only when a person is in a dark place and unable to function well that the critical support of an organisation such as LawCare comes to the fore.
Sometimes, our lives can change in an instant. Adjusting to these sudden shocks is crucial, and having a safety net in place can make all the difference.
What I learnt
- We can plan as much as we like, but sometimes life happens and catches us off guard.
- At times of tragedy and trauma, having a supportive network is golden.
- It helps to reach out and ask for help as well as accept help when it is offered.
- Grief and loss can go quite deep. It takes the time it takes. Complex grief can last for quite some time. Self-compassion and being gentle can make all the difference.
- People grieve differently and can be impacted in a different way by a loss. When my mum and younger brother died suddenly, I was devastated but could still work. Tony’s death impacted me differently.
- When Tony was killed, it was hard to keep up the level of working I was accustomed to.
- Checking in to gauge the wellbeing of our people makes all the difference.
- Becoming a member of a self-help/support group can be helpful. We cannot do life alone, especially at difficult and challenging times.
More about Tesse
Tesse Akpeki FCG is a non-practicing solicitor, podcaster, mediator and coach. She heads Bates Wells London LLP Onboard Governance Development Programme, a role she accepted in 2005.
- Tesse was awarded the Champion for Governance 2023 by the Chartered Governance Institute for the United Kingdom and England and Wales.
- Tesse was made a Fellow of the Association of Coaches in 2023, recognising her coaching engagement and support of people in the community.
Tesse’s podcasts, TesseTalks and TesseLeads (set up in honour of Tony) recognise the intersection between our personal and professional presence.
Since Tony’ death Tesse has become a member of RoadPeace and had support from Brake. RoadPeace is a charity for road crash victims, supporting people affected by road crashes with emotional and practical support and advocacy. Brake is a road safety charity.
![Tesse A (Print)](/media/oezol4x1/tesse-a-print.jpg?anchor=center&mode=crop&width=1200&format=webp&quality=80&heightratio=1&rnd=133638905461700000)
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