From burnout to balance: my mindfulness story
I have been a lawyer for 20 years – which makes me feel old just saying it out loud – and I love my job. Loving my job however has meant that there have been times when I have not been able to put boundaries in place around making time away from it.
I have had depression and anxiety since I was a teenager, which has been treated with medication, and at various times, therapy. Sometimes the therapy has been for burnout and a feeling of an inability to cope. Sometimes it has been for declining mental health. Sometimes I have recognised the need for help in advance, and others I have only asked for help when it was almost too late.
Around 12 years ago I became incredibly ill. Eventually I went to the doctors and was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. This is where your pancreas simply stops working and without treatment you can die. I was lucky, but Type 1 diabetes is usually diagnosed in children, not people in their 30s. It is an autoimmune disease, and in short, I had spent many years not listening to my body, or looking after my mental health, and my body shouted loudly at me in a bid to finally make me sit up and take notice. So, I did.
I moved to a different firm and changed to part time hours. I decided that I had to prioritise myself over my work. No more weekends in the office, watching colleagues come in and comment that you were wearing the same clothes as you were on Friday. No more missing meals. No more 4am negotiation meetings. The biggest problem, of course, was how to change something I had been doing for over ten years. How could I make time for myself?
Things have changed again since then and I now work as a consultant from home, giving me flexibility. Having just been diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 47, this has been invaluable for me. I also became involved with a yoga charity and now work with people on mindfulness, including law firms.
Self-care is a term which is used so often these days, but it usually comes in the form of long baths, getting a massage, lighting some candles, watching your favourite TV show. However, self-care is so much more, and also less, than that. It is about making time that is just for you, and often not doing anything at all. Self-care without distractions, cost, or time you feel you don’t have.
Mindfulness
That’s when I discovered mindfulness. A term used more often now than ever, and it has become a buzz word, with lots of advice on how to be mindful, or how to ‘do’ mindfulness.
The truth is you don’t have to ‘do’ mindfulness. There is no need for a quiet room, or sitting on a beach (although never discount that!), or training, or expensive courses. Each of us has the ability to be mindful with nothing but what we have, ourselves.
For me, it provides small moments which allow me to let go of whatever stress I have been holding onto, because of a complex project, or too much on my plate, a difficult discussion and has helped me be more focused, less reactive and ultimately a better lawyer, as well as a better colleague. I am more in touch with myself and my needs and can recognise when I need to ask for help, as well as manage my mental health conditions more easily.
What is mindfulness?
Mindfulness is about being present and aware, paying attention on purpose, without judgment. It is difficult for us, in this world of multitasking, to allow ourselves to find even a few seconds where we are not thinking about a million things on our to do list. To do lists that seem never ending!
Mindfulness is about being aware of, and noticing your thoughts, without getting caught up in them. It is also about non-judgement when you do notice your thoughts, and gently bringing yourself back when you do find yourself getting caught up in thoughts.
Even as you sit quietly for a few moments, there will always be distractions, such as conversations, outside noises, someone walking around you. Mindfulness isn’t about trying to change this, it is about noticing it and moving on. You might not be able to tune it out, but with mindfulness you can turn the volume down.
There are no rights and wrongs in mindfulness. It is not intended to be another thing on your to do list. It is always best not to ‘should’ all over yourself!
These days, we are always thinking ten steps ahead and lead very busy lives, so it can be hard to see how we can fit mindfulness in. However, finding time for mindfulness actually increases the time you have by honing certain parts of the brain which can lead to us being less reactive, more attentive and more resilient to stress.
My philosophy about mindfulness is about making it work for modern life. For me mindfulness practices help turn down the volume of my internal to do list and find balance in life. Balance at work, at home, in relationships (including your relationship with yourself), being able to enjoy the things you do, even to some extent the things you ‘have’ to do. Much of that centres around decreasing stress and increasing happiness. Who doesn’t want more happiness?
We have a limited number of minutes in our days, weeks, lives, and I want to enjoy as many of them as possible. The benefits of regular mindfulness practice help me do that. It doesn’t involve any of the stereotypical things that spring to mind, it is just carving out a few minutes of my day where I check in with myself and give myself permission to just be. Breathing for one minute, pausing between tasks, small but valuable in so many ways.
Like any habit, it is about repetition, so even on busy days, try to find 1, 3, 5 or 10 minutes, to sit, be still, notice how you feel and breathe. We are not trying to achieve Buddhist levels of enlightenment, just some time for ourselves and time to remember that we are human beings, not human doings.
Simple practices
- Practice the pause: find stillness, close your eyes and take a deep breath in and a long breath out.
- Making the out breath longer than the in breath activates the parasympathetic nervous system, responsible for rest.
- Do this for just a few seconds, between sending emails, while the kettle is boiling, after a particularly demanding meeting or call.
- If you are comfortable, close your eyes and place one hand on your heart and the other on your belly, feeling the rhythm of the breath as it moves.
- If you start to think, that’s absolutely fine. Notice you are thinking and let it go, come back to your breathing, as if it is an anchor.
Other things you can do are listen to your favourite song, on purpose, not in the background. Really listen to the melody, rhythm, words, voice, pitch. At the end of the day write down three things you are grateful for, they can be simple things, or things that made you smile. Do a short body scan. Just sit and notice how you feel from top to toe, where you are holding any tension, any tingling, cold, warmth, sore spots – not trying to change anything, simply noticing - and take a deep breath in, a long breath out and let it go. Roll your shoulders back and unclench your jaw.
Be kind to yourself, learning a new skill takes time and it’s practice not perfection that is important. Be gentle with your practice and remember, you cannot get mindfulness wrong.
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