Save yourself the stress and prepare for your parents' old age
Planning for your parents’ old age can feel daunting, but starting early can save a lot of stress later. Even if you work in law and help clients with these issues, talking about it with your own family is a different challenge. In this guide, Katie shares simple steps to help you prepare, from sorting legal documents to planning health care.
Working in the legal sector, you’re likely familiar with the importance of wills, powers of attorney, and planning for old age. You may even advise clients on these very issues. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve had these conversations with your own parents or checked whether they have their paperwork and plans in order.
As well as being an awkward subject to broach, a hectic schedule can make it tricky to find the time, especially if distance is involved. Depending on your family dynamic, these conversations can also lead to friction or arguments. But deprioritising or avoiding them could end up being one of your (and your parents’) biggest regrets.
Preparing for their old age goes beyond just preparing legal documents. There are many other factors to consider, from financial planning and health care management to living arrangements and end-of-life preferences.
While ageing is unpredictable and you cannot prepare for every crisis that might occur, a little proactivity and perseverance now will save you a huge amount of time and stress further down the line.
Here are six practical tips to get started:
1. Broach the conversation (ideally by the time they’re 70)
You might start by mentioning that you read an article about preparing for old age and realised you’ve never discussed their preferences. Or share a story of someone you know or know of where not preparing and discussing later life plans led to a disaster. Don’t be tempted to lead from a legal standpoint. It’s better to approach the conversation in an empathetic, rather than solely factual, way.
2. Organise a planning meeting
Once you’ve broached the topic, encourage your parents to agree to a proper planning meeting. They’ll be more willing to agree if you emphasise that the goals of the meeting are to help them:
- Avoid or minimise an age-related crisis
- Ensure they have a say in their future should incapacity strike
- Help them maintain their independence and preferred living arrangements longer
- Avoid family arguments in the future
- Ensure their wishes will be followed in emergencie.
3. Preparing for the planning meeting
Make sure you invite and involve any siblings to ensure everyone is on the same page and you leave less chance for misunderstandings and arguments down the line.
Approach it like a business meeting so everyone takes it seriously - agree a convenient time and place for the discussion, prepare for it, set an agenda and bring necessary documents and paperwork.
4. Key questions to ask your parents
As well as checking they have an up-to-date will and powers of attorney in place, consider these questions and discussion points:
- Who do they want/expect will be their primary family carer if needed?
- How do they envisage paying for care and support if they need it one day? Do they have enough income and or have they set aside any savings?
- Is their home appropriate for ‘ageing in place’? How close are they from friends and relatives who could support them? Are there any adaptations they need to think about doing to make their home age-friendly?
- Should they become ill or incapacitated, would they prefer to be cared for at home, or would they be happy to move into retirement living / residential care?
- Do they have an advance decision or advanced statement of care?
- Have they written down their funeral / end of life wishes?
- Are all important documents filed and in one place? Where are they kept?
- Do they have an ‘End of Life’ instructions document securely stored somewhere? (containing essential information for the executor of their will e.g., list of accounts / account details, passwords, location of important documents)
- What does a good end of life look like to them?
5. Encourage and help them to declutter
Helping your parents declutter not only makes their living space more comfortable and manageable, but it also reduces potential fall hazards as they age (falls are the number one reason older people are taken to A&E). A clutter-free space is easier to navigate and maintain, supporting their independence for longer. It also makes future emergencies or transitions smoother, as there will be fewer possessions to manage.
Decluttering can be incredibly time-consuming and challenging for some people, but you can hire outside help for this through the organisation APDO.
6. Get engaged in their health and wellbeing
Educate yourself on the typical signs that your parents may need more help as they age. Many of these signs can be subtle, and the earlier you spot them and intervene the better. Keep an eye on difficulties with balance, falls, and changes in memory or behaviour. If you’re worried about dementia, it can be helpful to complete this questionnaire from the Alzheimer’s Society with them at home and take the results to the GP to start the conversation.
If they will allow it, accompany them to medical appointments, and establish a relationship with their doctors. Knowing who their GP is, what medications they are on and whether they are taking them correctly can make a massive difference in a medical emergency.
Confronting the reality of our parents growing older and eventually passing away can be overwhelming, but it's an unavoidable part of life. Don’t wait for a crisis to force difficult decisions and arrangements, or let common excuses and discomfort get in the way of preparing ahead. It’s hard, but you (and your family) will be very grateful you did one day.
Katie and Eldering
Katie cares for her elderly father and is the co-founder of Eldering, a new website and online community aimed at empowering families to manage and better prepare for the ageing parent years. Eldering provides guidance, information and resources overseen by experts in all aspects of eldercare and preparing for later life.
Visit Eldering and join the Eldering community on Instagram to help you prepare ahead, and navigate this uncharted territory with compassion, community and confidence.
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