Practicing self-compassion

As this concern is not uncommon, let me start with some reassurance and clarification.  Self-compassion is not the same as self-indulgence or self-pity.  These can lead us to unhelpful behaviour which prevents growth and change.  Nor is self-compassion the same as self-esteem.    Self-esteem is often dependant on our perceived success relative to others.  As a result, we might find feedback difficult to accept and notice that our self-esteem is dependent on circumstances.  All three can encourage us to overlook, distort or conceal our shortcomings, making it difficult to see ourselves accurately and also to avoid the temporary difficulties in making long term changes for our well-being.

So, what is it?  Compassion is the ability to notice that someone is suffering, feel connected to them, and want to act to alleviate the suffering. This call to action is one of the things which differentiates compassion from empathy.  Self-compassion is compassion directed towards yourself. 

In a nut-shell, it involves a three-step process.  Firstly, to acknowledge in a non-judgmental way what difficult feelings are coming up for you.  It may for example be self-blame, frustration, fear of failure.  The second is to take a moment to think about the very many people who are in a similar position as you, also struggling with the same difficulty.  This isn’t about minimising your difficulty instead, it is acknowledging that being less than perfect, failing or suffering are all part of our shared human experience.  Self-pity, self-indulgence and trying to raise self-esteem can be isolating. Self-compassion connects us to others.  The third step involves speaking to yourself with the same kindness which you would naturally show a friend or loved-one who is struggling.  Perhaps you’d acknowledge the difficulty, reassure them that the problem will not last forever, that they have shown resourcefulness in the past which might help in this situation or that they are forgetting those things which they are doing really well. 

Barriers to self-compassion are not uncommon, for example, from early experiences or the culture from which we come.  Giving or receiving compassion can be difficult at first and give rise to fear, sometimes showing up as anxiety or embarrassment.  Identifying and becoming aware of these barriers can help to break them down.  It helps not to bring perfectionism to your self-compassion practice!